As a fire warms a cold room so has Davide warmed my heart. There are visual, obvious clues to warmth before you FEEL. You wonder if your eyes deceive you. You don’t believe it will ever get warm…and then, suddenly and unexpectedly, you realize it is no longer bone cold. Now the fire has had more time to build, and the heat rages inside me.
I wrote about him when I first arrived. I wrote that I wasn’t interested, but he was. I think, in a way, I needed to say this as a way to be defiant towards my own feelings. Because I WANTED him to want me…and while he behaved interested, he was also completely aloof. He alternated between being white-chocolate sweet and a total bastard. He was a master of mixed-messages, and I was both contemptuous and deeply intrigued. And, yeah, there were many things about him that were attractive—physically he’s stunning (and becomes more so to me everyday), he’s EXTREMELY bright, adventurous, charming, creative, fun, etc., etc. But, so what? There are plenty of men in this world with such qualifications…And I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him all these good things about him as long as he treated me with something slightly better than disdain.
Additionally, I thought he was just a classic Italian skirt chaser going from one woman to the next before he was finished with the previous. His words and his distance told me as much. He liked to verbally emphasize these kinds of things to me…maybe to impress me, maybe to intimidate me, maybe just because he thought it was what he should say. But, for me, it just forced me to put up a big wall around my heart because I REFUSED to get played by some 22-year-old Sicilian, who knew how pretty he was. And, so, I decided that I was going to show this baby what a real player looks like…and so I decided that the ball was in my court, and not his. And I started to toy with him. I sent him equally mixed messages—not available, but interested in him only for a serious relationship. I alternated between being needy and too busy with my so-called independence—sending both messages that made him feel like a rescuer and also not required at all. He has since confessed that it was a game for him as well—because he pulled similar stunts—acting attached and then turning around and saying he didn’t care. Essentially, we decided to play each other. And we ended up on the same team.
So, WHAT happened? I think at some point we may both have realized that we wouldn’t have bothered trying to play the other person unless there was something there, the proverbial elephant in the room so-to-speak. As to WHEN…I can’t actually pinpoint it, really. I remember starting to think about him more and more before I left for London. And we saw each other two nights in a row, and I think that was when it occurred to both of us that there was some real chemistry. But, I still wasn’t ready to put my heart on my sleeve, even if I couldn’t keep my hands off.
Of course, you know that my two weeks in London was fantastic and fun, but I should mention now that a few times throughout my trip I would get these sweet little text messages from him, which said he missed me and was thinking about me, etc. He remembered my birthday. And I will confess now that those texts made me (privately) rather giddy—although I would publicly pass them off as No Big Deal…. “Whatever, it’s another Italian guy who likes me. What’s new?”
But like a love zombie, I remember sitting in front of the phone with my calling card in one hand and his number in the other thinking, “Should one of the few phone calls I make on my Christmas vacation be to HIM???” And you better believe I was possessed by some supernatural force and I picked up that phone, dialed, and when I heard his voice (very happy to hear from me) I knew that I had crossed to the Dark Side.
And we arranged to meet when I got back on the 4th. We saw each other that night, and he told me he missed me and then invited me to go to Venice with him in March. A few days later he said that he didn’t have feelings for me, and that Venice was a mistake. While I tried to act like it didn’t bother me, I was crushed. And that was when I knew I had a choice to make.
And a couple days after he said he didn’t feel anything, something changed in him and his eyes. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but it came a couple days before I was ready to say I didn’t want to see him again…it was just too hard to keep a grip on my feelings while seeing him frequently. We had agreed to go to Venice together, but I was stalling on buying my ticket because I was still deciding whether to continue to see someone who couldn’t admit he cared.
But, over dinner one night, just the two of us, he looked at me and asked if I felt like anything had changed between us. And my response was: Yes. And then he admitted that I changed his heart. And so on…
I felt like he was finally letting go of whatever image he needed to maintain, whatever barriers he needed to have around his heart, and whatever pep-talk he was giving himself against falling for me. He let himself just BE.
And so I let go of whatever image I needed to maintain, whatever barriers I needed to have around my heart, and whatever pep-talk I was giving myself against falling for him. And I let myself just BE.
And, so, I bought my ticket to go to Venice, and it’s been rosy since. It’s been almost a month since I got back from London. We’ve seen each other practically every day since, and we’ve consistently communicated on the days we weren’t face-to-face. And while the more intimate things he says to me are said in confidence, and I am not going to post them here, what I can say is that this is not an unrequited love. And so, the two of us are players no more.
The other night really sealed it for me that this is actually happening. It’s not some strange epic dream, or a brief flirtation. We were sitting on a park bench in the middle of the city, enjoying a beautiful warmish Sicilian night (even in January!). We were facing each other, and just talking and flirting and probably making anyone single and bitter want to vomit. And he looked at me and said: I love when you look at me with those falling-in-love eyes. And I just blushed and turned away, but I remember having a rapid stream of thoughts like: Oh! Oh! Oh my Goddess, I AM falling in love with this man! Wow. How did this happen? And WHEN? Hmmm….So THIS is what it feels like. I guess I am. And it’s about time. OH MY GOD I AM FALLING IN LOVE. Holy [beeeeeep]!!!
LOL. Go figure. But it’s awesome.
And I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never had something grow. It’s always started hot and gone cold, usually quickly. I’ve never been with someone younger. I’ve never been with someone I wasn’t interested in at first. I’ve never had someone who made me laugh so much. I’ve never had someone who made me want to throw my arms around them and never let go. I’ve never had someone who amazes and surprises me every day. I’ve never had someone who I want to say, and feel, and think such intense things before. I’ve never been with someone who made me forget the people who came before. I’ve never been with someone who completely takes away my roving eye, or interest in greener pastures. I’ve never had someone that I look at and clearly understand: yep…you’re my equal. You’re my match, and there’s no little nagging feeling inside knowing there’s something wrong or off about it. I’ve never had someone who I can REALLY look into their eyes and find a place of warmth and comfort and familiarity. I’ve never been with someone who just made me feel so beautiful, fun, and sexy—without being put on a pedestal but because he’s looking at me from an equal footing. I’ve never felt so CALM and secure in being emotional, open, and vulnerable.
And for those of you who know what a vice-grip I have on my heart and what a Ice Queen I can be…being comfortable in vulnerability should say more than anything else. I’m ok having my heart in someone else’s hands. I hope this lasts….
So, now you know how I FEEL…but WHO is this man? Well, I will finish by including the reference I wrote for him on his public profile. I meant every word, and I now there are even stronger things I could profess.
When I first met my sweet Davide, he asked me if his English was good. My reply was, "We'll see, I won't really know until I've spent some time around you."
And so I have. Not only has his dedication to learning my mother tongue continued to impress and delight me, so has his very eloquent soul.
There is something so intriguing about this young man. He is mature way beyond his years. He possesses a calmness, complexity, and confidence that many will never have the capacity to attain. I don’t imagine I will ever tire of watching and learning about him. He is always surprising me.
I could write about his sense of humor. I could write about his clear creativity and skill. I could write about his pure Italian sensuality, wit, semblance, and internal clock. I could write about a lot of things that are purely superficial, and you can find out just by asking him questions. But what I really want to convey about Davide is the way I think he embraces the universe. He does it with an open mind, and an open heart.
I leave you with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
Davide is love. Pure and simple.
I look forward to watching him grow, but hopefully not change. I hope he holds that love for everything (except cheese hee hee) forever.
It's absolutely sublime...
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